This is going to be an on-going draft post until Thanksgiving, when I'll feel safe to publish it for the world.
Sunday, September 19th:
Matt and I felt that God had called us at the beginning of the year to start trying to have children in September of this year. God's timing is perfect, and I found out this morning that I'm pregnant! Ok..those were strange words to type. It doesn't seem real. I honestly thought we'd have to try a lot longer before we got to this point. Matt was adorable when I told him - "that's cool" - haha. When it sank in, he prayed over me and has been cautiously encouraging. I think we're both excited and scared. I guess I'll call tomorrow and make a doctor's appointment & see what happens next. Praying for health, safety, and peace.
Tuesday, September 21st:
Had my confirmation appointment this morning at 7:30. Out of curiosity, why do I have to schedule my yearly 3 months in advance, and yet they can get me in ASAP for this? Anyway, their test confirmed what my two HPTs told me - I'm pregnant! The nurse was cute and didn't seem to know if I would be excited about the news or not. Then, when she found out that we just started "trying" in August, she said "wow! you guys work fast!"..lol...So, by their very strange calculations & by the grace of God I'll be having this munchkin on or around May 21st. They loaded me up with horse-pill sized prenatal vitamins, a list of meds not to take, and scheduled my next appt for Oct. 11th. Matt gets to go to that one (heart beat, etc.) - should be interesting :) *Found out today that a good friend at work is pregnant - about 5 weeks ahead of me - took all I had not to say anything! Praying for health, energy, and joy for this little poppyseed.
October 1, 2010
Do you adore these from The Vintage Pearl or what?
Some random comments about this whole pregnancy thing:
1) My prenatal vitamins are the size of horsepills, but smell like chocolate. It works.
2) I have the most amazing husband in the world. Today was emotions times 1,000 and he actually told me that he is honored to go through 3 months of PMS with me because it means we're having a baby. Of course I cried. I cried about everything today! But he is just so supportive and loving - I'm going to be beyond spoiled for the next few months, and I think I'm ok with that.
3) I am dying to tell people - it's so hard to keep this secret (sorry everyone!) but I know it's for the best right now.
4) I'm feeling pretty good, health-wise, which is a blessing. I just can't wait to get through some of the next scary weeks to know everything is ok.
5) There is so much I don't know about being a mom! What the heck. Tonight's conversation was "how to raise kids who don't melt down in Target"....oy....guess we'll add it to the list of things to pray about!
October 6, 2010
Holy hormones. My poor husband has no idea what just hit our home - it's like a tornado of insanity & I feel helpless to stop it. Totally freaked out in the middle of a conversation we were having about purchasing new bedroom furniture b/c he suggested we just put a mattress on the floor (to clarify, in a normal state of mind I probably would have understood his point, but this week? oh heck no!). It gets better, right?
October 11, 2010
Today was my appointment first "official" appointment - it went well - got to see the little heartbeat and the peanut measured at 7 wks 5 days (they originally guessed I was 8 wks on Sunday, so pretty close! New due date is May 22, 2011 ). The Dr. was pleased w/ how everything looked & after all the medical history questions determined that I have a low risk pregnancy. Matt was adorable & supportive & a little awkward - fortunately for him I took my iPod so he could play angry birds during the exam portion & then told him when to look at the screen to see the baby.
After the exam & ultrasound, they sent me down for an insane amount of bloodwork. a) it's gross that they gave me a bag w/ my sample & other stuff in it to take to the lab. Do they not have a delivery system that doesn't include me carrying pee? b) They took like 9 vials of blood and for the first time in my life I nearly lost it. Dots in front of my eyes, sweating, couldn't move my arms..it was awful. Not to mention one sip of OJ refused to stay down & they had to cart me away on a reclining chair until I could function again. The poor nurse kept telling me that I would never have to give that much again during my pregnancy to make me feel better.
My next appointment is Nov. 11th (another work holiday - God's timing is AWESOME!) - hopefully I won't run into anyone I know. Like I did today...the mom of a girl I was friends with in high school. Awkward.
October 22, 2010
Found out last week that another coworker of mine is pregnant - and due almost the exact same day as me! I've been feeling pretty good this week, and I'm so thankful to be most of the way through week 9. Something about getting to week 10 (and then 11, and 12, etc.) just gives me more confidence. Other than the usual prayers for health and safety and a cute baby that loves sleep (hehe) I've been struggling with this whole weight gain thing. I know that in order to have a healthy baby, I need to gain weight - but let's talk about how annoyed I am to think about the process to lose it all later. I've trained my brain over the last few years to focus on NOT gaining weight, and now I have to! It's very difficult, and something I know that I'll need God's grace to get me through.
October 28, 2010
Yesterday was horrible, and yet God is so faithful. At work in the morning I was hit with more fear than I've ever known in my life when I noticed some spotting. I wanted to throw up. I tried to make it through the day, but by 10am I couldn't take it anymore & called the doctor. They told me to come in for a scan at 1pm, and fortunately for me (ha) I was able to blame my head cold on my reason to head home early. Matt was such a rock, encouraging me and praying for us as I went to the appointment (he had to stay at work).
After getting the "eye" for losing weight since my last appointment (gonna work on that), the doctor performed an ultrasound to see what was going on. Unlike the first time, I didn't get to see the screen until she was ready to show me - and Thank God - I got to see the strong heartbeat and watched as the little peanut moved around. They said everything was fine - I don't think I've ever been more relieved.
I'm still emotionally drained from it all, and more than slightly on edge, waiting to see how the next 2 weeks go until we can see our little one again. I love this baby so much already, I can't wait to meet the child God has blessed us with.
November 13, 2010
I wish this post was going to end differently. It's taken me awhile to have the courage to open this post, knowing that the photos were going to make me cry. For whatever reason, God's will was not for us to have this baby, and last Saturday we ended up in the ER with the news that our child no longer had a heartbeat. Around 9 and a half weeks, it just stopped growing. Our hearts broke. We were so excited for the holidays, to share our good news with our families, and instead we had to make impossibly difficult phone calls to tell people a) we were pregnant and b) we lost the baby.
We had a few days to grieve together before my appointment for a d&e was scheduled. My boss was kind and gave me the week off to recover. Our friends & family have been beyond supportive and loving. Never in my life have I felt such unexplainable peace when we should have been a mess. That's not to say we haven't sobbed, talked about the "what if's" and "we wish" and "why." Matt has been my rock, holding me, praying for me, taking care of me. It's been so painful to watch him break down, missing the child we were going to have, and his only desire is that he wishes he could have held our baby just once.
I know we might never have answers about why this happened to us. At least not while we're here on earth. I pray that God would help us find a way to heal so that we could remember this time, but not be in such pain. I really really want to have a family now, and I'm so afraid that this is going to happen again. We are still so thankful for the little life that God gave us to care for, even for the short time we had it. I know God has good plans for us, and that we'll make it through, with love and prayer and God's grace. Hopefully next year we'll be celebrating, instead of grieving.